You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
