I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
