I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
