I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
