he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
