the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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