With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
