Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
