WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
