Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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