im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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