Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
