he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize