Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
