my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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