My first STD was from a foam party
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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