Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
