Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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