I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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