if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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