i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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