He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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