just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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