answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
