Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Still dying that you shit outside
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
