i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
