I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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