how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
