"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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