I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm like, not good at living.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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