Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
