my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
