My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
