She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
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