oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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