Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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