With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
