I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
