Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize