i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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