Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
