dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
