it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
