she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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