please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
soo... how was my night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize