Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
