my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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