Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
