Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize