you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
