My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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