My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
