she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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