Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
