just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
