He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
