I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
