...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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