it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
