We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Two words: blizzard sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
