my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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