Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
