So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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