I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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