actually, I'm a sock model
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
