I heard we made out
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
