the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
