How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
