im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize