woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize