Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sacagawea was the original milf.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
