apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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